It's been 8 months now that she is gone. I miss her so bad. I want to see her so badly. I'm wondering if how she's doing now. Is she happy right now? Did she get reunited with her parents and her two sons up there in Heaven?
For months, I can't talk about her coz everytime I started talking and mentioning her name I will start crying. I never knew that it will be this painful. I was lost for a while but I'm a lil' bit okay now and I'm ready to tell the whole story.
October 2006, was the last time I saw my mother personally. That was in Mactan Airport. My parents, siblings and friends were there to sent me off. That was my first time to came here in the USA. My mother was very healthy the last time I saw her and I never thought that I will not be able to see her, talk to her and hug her again.
May 2008, she was complaining that her right abdominal side was aching. We sent her to Cebu City to get a full body check-up. The doctor says, she was just having a stones in her kidney which was not alarming to us coz even before we knew that she had kidney problem. After a month, she started losing weight. My brothers and sisters got worried of her so they called and told me that they are going to sent Mama to the City again for another check-ups. This time, the doctor suggested to have CT scan, so she did. Waiting period.......
Late of June 2008, I talked to them in yahoo messenger. We have our webcam & speakers on. I saw my Mama and she really did lose a lot of weight. I can tell the difference just by looking at her face in the webcam. I was really happy seeing her and we have a good laugh while talking and then after a few minutes she decided to take a rest. I was talking to my sister about the CT scan result and here's the bad news, Mama has a liver cancer and got 5-6 months to live. I was SHOCKED!!! next thing I know, I was in the floor screaming. I dunno what to say at that moment..I can't believe it. Mama is healthy, she has no cancer, she's not dying....
I was in denial for a few days. I still can't believe that any time, she'll be gone. We asked for a second opinion from the other doctor but still the result was the same. She was dying and we can't do anything about it. She can't undergo chemotherapy coz her cancer was in terminal stage. So, what we can do? We'll just wait for her to say goodbye? The only thing we can do to save her at that time was PRAYER. We were hoping for a miracle but I think even prayers can't save her. Do you know the feeling that someone who is so dear to your heart is dying? The anxious feeling that maybe the next day when you woke up, she can't open her eyes anymore? It is a terrible feeling. I was too anxious to open my email address or to read my text messages from them coz what if it will be the bad news? I wasn't ready for her to go. Every night, I cried and cried, prayed and prayed that a miracle would happen.
September 03, 08 - was the last time I talked to Mama in the phone. I called them coz I got a text message from my sister that says Mama was too weak and if possible I should go home asap. But the time I talked to my mother, she was too happy and energetic, saying not to worry about her coz she felt better day after day. I told her I will go home on October 10, 2008 and she was too happy to hear it. She also told me that we could have our family reunion on that day.
September 07, 08 (SUNDAY, USA Time) - I finally have my ticket purchased for October 10, 08 flight. I was planning to call them the next day to surprise them. I was too excited...finally I can go back home, see my family again and might be my last moments with my mother. I may not ready to see her go but I know it will happen eventually.
September 08, 08 (MONDAY, USA Time) - Around 3PM that day, when I got home after my work, I got an offline message from my sister in YM. First message was, (Mama won't eat anymore and wanted to be hospitalized..please call when you got time). Second message, (Mama is gone. We can't do anything about it. Please be strong..we're waiting for your call.)
Mama died on Mama Mary's Birthday, Sept. 08.
After I read those messages, I dunno what to do really. I just got up from my chair and went directly to the kitchen to get a glass of water to drink. After that, I called my husband and asked him to come home, that when I started crying and David asked me what's wrong...the only thing I replied to him was...MAMA.... please come home.
That's it! The doctor says my mother got 5-6 months to live but just two months after we found out that she has cancer, she lose the battle. She left...she's gone...FOREVER!!!!
I blamed God, I resented Him. I questioned Him. Where did my prayers go? Does miracle really exist? Why can't you save my mother? Did you really hear me? Can you hear me? I know I have no right to questioned him but at that time I was in pain. That time, all I think was My beloved Mama is gone and she can't talk to me anymore when I get home. She can't cry anymore when she see me instead, I was the one crying when I saw her in the coffin. And you know the saddest and heartbreaking part of all? That was the time when we were about to sent her off, knowing that, that was our last glanced of her and she's not coming back.....she's gone...FOREVER!
I JUST WANT TO TELL HER I LOVE HER AND HER MEMORIES WILL LIVE ON FOREVER IN MY HEART.
P.S. I am so sorry if I keep on posting sad stories in my blog. This blog is my only outlet to express my feeling. Hope you guys can understand.
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