It Breaks My Heart

I am here again....I think it became my habit now to post when I am troubled inside. I think a lot these days....to the point that it gave me a headache.

My family back home, I felt so sorry for them. I wanted to help them in every way I could...I wanted to give them what they need, to provide them everything and make their life a lil bit easier....but I don't have the ability to do so. Even if I wanted to but I can't. I can't because I don't have anything....if only I have a lil bit of extra money in me right now..I will never hesitate to help them. I will help them right away without a doubt...but what can I do? I, myself needs it very badly too....I have responsibilities that needed to be taken care of. You know what? everytime, they asked for help and I can't help them right away, it breaks my heart into pieces. It troubled me, I have no peace of mind....because what I wanted to do is to give to them everything they need.

My heart is aching.....I felt so sad....I felt hopeless..I am frustrated for everything that happens right now. When will I be able to do everything for them? When will I be able to give them everything that they need? When will I be able to make their life a lil bit easier? I don't wish to be rich, I just wish I have extra money right now so, I could help them. I'm not asking for too much, am I?

I hope that tomorrow when I wake up, everything will be okay...if not tomorrow then maybe next day? or next next next day?....Just hope that one day, I will wake up and my family back home are doing great......that's all I want...that's my happiness.

Random Thoughts

How are you guys? I dunno if I still have a visitor of this blog of mine. I know it's been a while since my last post here. I was just being lazy the past months that's why I did not able to update. My life isn't boring though, I have lots of things to do for the past months..there are things that keep me busy and entertain me....aside from work, my friends keep visiting me at my house and we played cards. During my vacant time, I read fan fictions, watching videos at youtube, visiting forums that talks about idols in S. Korea...yeah, I'm still addicted to Kpop world and don't ask me why, I don't have a valid reason for that, lol.

Things are still the same, nothing much going on with my life. Sometimes there are uneventful days that passed and sometimes I am too busy to notice that a day has passed because of things that occupied my mind.

Okay, I just want to blab about everything here just to update this blog. I dunno though, I'm thinking of letting go of this blog...my domain subscription will expire on June and am still debating in my mind wether I'm going to renew my domain or not. I will probably miss this blog if ever I will decide to end my subscription...I have shared too many thoughts on this blog already. Well, let see if I will renew or not my domain on June. I don't have money in paypal anymore so maybe I will get the payment for the renewal from my own pocket...

Well, that's it for now. Have to get busy here....

Farewell 2009, Hello 2010!

Ten years ago (2000), I thought that the world was about to end. Year 1992 and I was in second grade when I heard the rumors that the world is going to end in the year 2000. I cried going home from School for one reason, I don't want to die early because I want to get married first and have kids before I die. My Mother told me that no one can tell when the world is going to crash. Of course I was happy afterwards knowing that I will be able to grow up, get married and have kids. That was my only dream at that time. As I grown older, I became more ambitious and realized what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to become and whom I wanted to marry. I never thought that growing up is difficult. You've learned to take responsibilities, to know the consequences of your actions and decisions. You've learn to make a mistake and be sorry afterwards, also you will learn to solve your own problems. When I look back to the year 1992, it seems that those days were the simplest days in my life. You have no responsibilities at all, no worries, no problems and no pains.

When I lose my Mother one and a half year ago, that's when I realized how I wanted to go back my childhood days. My childhood days was priceless, I have a mother who took care of me, preparing my meal, waking me up in the morning, scold me when I made a mistake, massage my back when I can't sleep from coughing, making me feel that I am being loved by her. I miss those days. If only I could turn back time, I will surely want to feel those moments again. But now all I can do is to cherish of those old memories here in my heart. Year 1992, 2000 to 2009....lots of events that happened in my life. I got married and take some responsibilities, I lose my mother and my brother. I felt pain, I was lost for awhile and now I'm back...trying to move on, look forward for the year ahead of me. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put them together so I will be whole again.

As I bid farewell for the year 2009, I'm trying to say goodbye to my frustrations and pains. I hope, year 2010 will be a better year for me. Still, going for the extra mile on 2010.

Happy New Year to all!

Good To Be Back

It's been a while......

For the past few weeks that I was gone (from blogging), got lots of stories to tell. What keeps me busy, what happened to my life lately, why I didn't get a chance to update this blog and little things that I could share...not really interesting things but still, I'm gonna share it here. lol

Let me start with my job....okay, I got a new job (don't want to elaborate further 'bout my job). I mean I quit from my last job and transfered to this company close to my house. It is much easier for me plus they paid me a little bit more of what I earned before. It was a hard decision for me when I told my boss that I'm quiting. See, my ex-boss is very kind and considerate to me. When I have to go back to Philippines for a month, he gave me an assurance that when I came back, I still have a job. As I said, it was a difficult decision for me but I have to move on, he can't give me a raise (due to economic crisis) and he has to let me go. I remember him saying that " I deserve better" ( I think he was talking about the paycheck?). Also, he told me that if things won't go well on my new job, that I can come back to him and he will be glad to take me back ( that just flatters me).

I got a car...not a brand new car but am still proud that I got a car and am paying the monthly mortgage. I'm learning how to drive now and I planned to take my road test maybe by the end of this month or first week of November. Everything goes smoothly during my driving practice but there are really times that my husband and I are yelling with each other especially if he becomes so b*tchy about my driving. There's just times that I can't stand of his strictness when it comes to my driving. Okay, I understand that he wants me to remember everything he said but he get into my nerves sometimes, you know?

And the little things I want to share? hmnnnnnnnn....I think if you happened to read my previous posts, I have mentioned countless times how I love kdrama, but now I move up to the next level, I now love Korean music aka Kpop. Geezzzzz, have no idea why I got so hooked up with kpop when everytime I listened to the song I can't even understand the damn lyrics and can't sing along with the song since it's hard to pronounce their damn language but still I love kpop and am soooooo into for a certain boygroup/girlgroup in kpop world. Okay, let me spill it out for you guys...I love 2ne1 (pronounce as 21) and Bigbang. They are the first two groups I like to support in kpop industry. It's really entertaining to watch their vids/Mv's and to listen their music as well.

Check them out:

Bigbang

2NE1

If you are interested to kpop, just like me...you can check out their MVs/vids @ utube.

Okay...this is it for now. Lazy sleepyhead is signing off!

When Over Is Over!

I don't think I'm a bad person at all. Maybe there were times, I made mistakes and hurt people accidentally but that does not make me a bad person, right?

I have something to confess.

For few months, I was bothered by how I acted and treated the people I know...especially the people who are close to me. See, I have a friend whom I stopped talking to because I was mad at this person. Let us say, I hate this person but my Father in law keep reminding me not to use the word hate to refer to a person coz we should not hate a certain person. We can say we dislike them but not hate them. Okay, I dislike this person because, this person lied to me too many times. Sometimes, I thought, did this person even care how I think of him/her after I caught him/her that he/she lied? Did this person has an idea how I dislike him/her for telling lies then in the end I found out that what he/she was telling to me was all lie? I even hated myself for believing of what he/she said to me, everytime I found out that he/she was lying. For how many stories he/she made...for all the lies he/she told...I came to the point when I don't want to talk to him/her anymore. And that was it...I told myself this friendship is over coz I cannot trust this person. There's no sense of having a friend when you cannot even trust them. I stopped talking to this friend of mine coz I was fed up of everything he/she said. I dunno when to believe him/her anymore.

How can a person lie so easily? How can they make up stories and not even bothered the consequences after they were caught lying? I'm not a perfect person and am not tryin' to be. I did not say, I did not even lied once. I lied too...but I believe that there are certain levels of lying. This person I'm talking about is just a total LIAR.

Lakers VS Nuggets

Have you guys seen the NBA play off last night of LA Lakers and Denver Nuggets? Okay, I'm not a basketball expert here but I do enjoy watching basketball. Basketball is one of my favorite sports. Last night, I got the chance to watched it on the television. My husband was not stingy enough to share his television with me last night. It's not that we only have one TV but isn't it nicer and more fun to watch games on a big TV? The one TV we have in our bedroom is a little bit smaller and it is not fun at all to watch alone especially if you are watching the team that you are betting on.

Last night, I was betting for Lakers to win and my husband wants Nuggets to win. I was cheering for Lakers and he was cheering for Nuggets. The game was interesting on the first half...I did not able to finish the 2nd half though because I have some opps to do last night. I found out when I woke up this afternoon that Nuggets won because my husband was smiling, telling me that his team won.

Ohh well, Kobe Bryant lose this time, tsk...tsk..tsk.

God Loves You

Does He really love me? That was my question a few months ago.

Few months back, I have never been to church, coz I felt bad and ashamed to face God after what I've done and said. Recently, I go back to His arms coz I know that I cannot make it through this life without Him and His guidance.

Those days that I've never visited God's house and just call him every once in a while, He reminded me, how good He was to me and how much He loves me. Everytime my husband and I went out for grocery shopping, we always passed a christian church and they have a sign board that says: God Loves You. And everytime I saw the said sign board, I felt guilty inside...

God loves me. I know how much He loves me. I know he loves me when He gave me a very good and loving mother who taught and guide me the right path. He gave me a very understanding and supportive husband. I have my beloved family that loves me as much as I love them. I have true friends that never leave my side when I needed them. Above all that, God heals my broken heart. He's always there to comfort me when I'm in pain. All I can say to Him is, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Quotes to share:

"God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm."
- William Cowper

A Mother's Battle

It's been 8 months now that she is gone. I miss her so bad. I want to see her so badly. I'm wondering if how she's doing now. Is she happy right now? Did she get reunited with her parents and her two sons up there in Heaven?

For months, I can't talk about her coz everytime I started talking and mentioning her name I will start crying. I never knew that it will be this painful. I was lost for a while but I'm a lil' bit okay now and I'm ready to tell the whole story.

October 2006, was the last time I saw my mother personally. That was in Mactan Airport. My parents, siblings and friends were there to sent me off. That was my first time to came here in the USA. My mother was very healthy the last time I saw her and I never thought that I will not be able to see her, talk to her and hug her again.

May 2008, she was complaining that her right abdominal side was aching. We sent her to Cebu City to get a full body check-up. The doctor says, she was just having a stones in her kidney which was not alarming to us coz even before we knew that she had kidney problem. After a month, she started losing weight. My brothers and sisters got worried of her so they called and told me that they are going to sent Mama to the City again for another check-ups. This time, the doctor suggested to have CT scan, so she did. Waiting period.......

Late of June 2008, I talked to them in yahoo messenger. We have our webcam & speakers on. I saw my Mama and she really did lose a lot of weight. I can tell the difference just by looking at her face in the webcam. I was really happy seeing her and we have a good laugh while talking and then after a few minutes she decided to take a rest. I was talking to my sister about the CT scan result and here's the bad news, Mama has a liver cancer and got 5-6 months to live. I was SHOCKED!!! next thing I know, I was in the floor screaming. I dunno what to say at that moment..I can't believe it. Mama is healthy, she has no cancer, she's not dying....

I was in denial for a few days. I still can't believe that any time, she'll be gone. We asked for a second opinion from the other doctor but still the result was the same. She was dying and we can't do anything about it. She can't undergo chemotherapy coz her cancer was in terminal stage. So, what we can do? We'll just wait for her to say goodbye? The only thing we can do to save her at that time was PRAYER. We were hoping for a miracle but I think even prayers can't save her. Do you know the feeling that someone who is so dear to your heart is dying? The anxious feeling that maybe the next day when you woke up, she can't open her eyes anymore? It is a terrible feeling. I was too anxious to open my email address or to read my text messages from them coz what if it will be the bad news? I wasn't ready for her to go. Every night, I cried and cried, prayed and prayed that a miracle would happen.

September 03, 08 - was the last time I talked to Mama in the phone. I called them coz I got a text message from my sister that says Mama was too weak and if possible I should go home asap. But the time I talked to my mother, she was too happy and energetic, saying not to worry about her coz she felt better day after day. I told her I will go home on October 10, 2008 and she was too happy to hear it. She also told me that we could have our family reunion on that day.

September 07, 08 (SUNDAY, USA Time) - I finally have my ticket purchased for October 10, 08 flight. I was planning to call them the next day to surprise them. I was too excited...finally I can go back home, see my family again and might be my last moments with my mother. I may not ready to see her go but I know it will happen eventually.

September 08, 08 (MONDAY, USA Time) - Around 3PM that day, when I got home after my work, I got an offline message from my sister in YM. First message was, (Mama won't eat anymore and wanted to be hospitalized..please call when you got time). Second message, (Mama is gone. We can't do anything about it. Please be strong..we're waiting for your call.)

Mama died on Mama Mary's Birthday, Sept. 08.

After I read those messages, I dunno what to do really. I just got up from my chair and went directly to the kitchen to get a glass of water to drink. After that, I called my husband and asked him to come home, that when I started crying and David asked me what's wrong...the only thing I replied to him was...MAMA.... please come home.

That's it! The doctor says my mother got 5-6 months to live but just two months after we found out that she has cancer, she lose the battle. She left...she's gone...FOREVER!!!!

I blamed God, I resented Him. I questioned Him. Where did my prayers go? Does miracle really exist? Why can't you save my mother? Did you really hear me? Can you hear me? I know I have no right to questioned him but at that time I was in pain. That time, all I think was My beloved Mama is gone and she can't talk to me anymore when I get home. She can't cry anymore when she see me instead, I was the one crying when I saw her in the coffin. And you know the saddest and heartbreaking part of all? That was the time when we were about to sent her off, knowing that, that was our last glanced of her and she's not coming back.....she's gone...FOREVER!

I JUST WANT TO TELL HER I LOVE HER AND HER MEMORIES WILL LIVE ON FOREVER IN MY HEART.




P.S. I am so sorry if I keep on posting sad stories in my blog. This blog is my only outlet to express my feeling. Hope you guys can understand.

Life Must Go On...

For the pain that I've been through, for all the problems and trials that I've encountered, I can say that I am stronger now than before. It is really true that tough times will make us stronger. Now, that my brother's gone, I felt the big responsibilities on my shoulder.s I felt that little by little I matured.

I questioned/blamed God for what happened but now that I'm calmed and accepted what God wants for my family, I want to get closer to Him as close as I could. I have no one to run to now or no one to hold to, except Him. I know He has reasons for everything that happened to my family. If it's His will, I would gladly accept it coz I know he won't give me problems that I can't handle and I trusted Him coz I know He loves me so much.

Life must go on....I know for sure that Mama and Manoy (Big Brother) are happy in God's side now. I gotta be good so one day, when my time comes...I can see my love-ones again, up there in Heaven.

God Bless you all!

I'm In Pain....Again!

Does God think sometimes that I'm a robot and won't feel any pain?

Six months ago He took my mother away from me. That was the most painful part of my life. That was the first time I felt hurt and lost. I felt like my world completely stop when Mama left me without saying goodbye. I was regretful after Mama left coz I wasn't able to do the things that I promised to her..I thought she will always be there and it didn't come to my mind that one day she will left me and she will be gone forever. I admit that until now I can't be able to let go Mama...and am still grieving for my loss and yet God took away another person who is important in my life again. Just earlier I received a text message from my sister, asking me to call coz there was an emergency...My brother was brought to the hospital and was unconscious...got three text message from her asking me to call and when I'm about to call them I received the 4th text message but did not able to read it since I was dialing their number already...when she answered the phone and said hello..I asked them what's wrong ang felt deaf for a minute when she says that our eldest brother's gone.

My brother is gone and how should I react to it? How should I react to that kind of news? I am not over with I have been through with Mama yet....that was just six months ago when I went back to Philippines to attend her burial and now here's another family member who left without saying goodbye again. My eldest brother who stand like our second mother to us. How could God do this to my family? I know it is not right to question Him but in times like this that I'm lost and in pain...I can't help myself but question Him. Where did my prayers go? Is he measuring my faith in Him? If this is His way to measure my faith ...well this is just too much for me to handle. I know that I'm not in the position to question Him coz as they say that everything happens for reason and God has a purpose for taking away the people I love but can you blame me if I acted this way?

Wordless Wednesday

St. Peter's Basilica - Rome, Italy.



Source: Yahoo Images

Is This For Real?

I was surprised when I checked my real rank in PPP today. Okay, I'm used to my high as sky real rank before which this doesn't surprised me since I'm not into blog hopping these days. The last time I checked my realrank, it was 5000+ and I was a bit worried coz I've got not time to do blog hopping, I am really busy these days guys...and then today when I opened my PPP account, I was shocked when I checked my blog ranking....my rr was zero..as in butlog jud cya. Naunsa mani?

What's up with the zero real rank? What does this mean? Does anyone know? If there are some changes in PPP, kindly let me know guys coz I don't have an idea what's going on.

It's Been A While...

I know it's been a while since my last post. I was kinda busy and tired these days to update my blog. You see, at work I was working really hard coz our Boss laid off two people so I got more works to do now than before but I it's okay atleast I still have a job, right?

A lot of things happened to me for the past days while I was gone from blogging. I wasn't able to update my daily activities here plus I was tired grabbing opps from PPP. I hope economy would pick up very soon, so I could find me another job. The bad thing about this economy is that my Boss freezes our raise for this year. Grabe.......na feel jud nako ang krisis sa ekonomiya!

Going Down Down Down...

Couple of weeks ago, my friend and I talked about the economy crisis that we are experiencing right now. I remember I told him that I can't feel the economic crisis and he replied that the reason we didn't felt how bad the economy now is that him and I are poor already so, we are not really affected with the economic crisis thing. I guess I was wrong when I said that I can't feel the economic crisis coz just last week my husband's company announced that they are going to lay off 200 people. I'm not sure if my husband will be included of the lay off but I'm praying that he wouldn't. My gosh..what we gonna do with the house payment and the truck payment every month? I don't wanna lose my house.

By the way, I know that everyone is experiencing the economic crisis but I know there are still people who didn't get affected to this thing and would still love to travel. Use Orbitz Coupons to save a little bit for your travel expenses.

So, What's Your New Years Resolution?

What kinds of New Years Resolutions will you make for yourself? Did you start doing what you listed in your New Years Resolutions list? As for myself, I just start doing little by little of what I have in my list.

Here's mine:

1. I will keep my house clean. (I'm not going to say that I will get my house clean coz I cleaned it already so am going to say I will keep it clean from now on.)

2. I will wash the dirty dishes after I eat.

3. I will do my best to learn how to drive before this year will end.

4. I will try to exercise regularly to lose a lil' bit of weight.

5. I will avoid eating sweets. (I swear, I wanna do this!)

6. I will control myself on my addiction. ( Watching Korean dramas. Darn! this dramas made me lazy.)

7. I will avoid arguing with my husband over lil' things. (Hay....ambot lang!)

8. I will call my family back home as often as possible.

9. I will minimize my mañana habit. (Dunno what mañana habit is? google it.)

10. Lastly, I want to be a much better person this year and for the years to come.

I guess, that's it! I don't want to make my list longer coz am afraid I can't do it all. Sayonara! Kamza Hamnida for visiting my blog. Saranghae............

Back To Work...

Darn...seems like time flies really fast. My two weeks vacation was over. I've noticed that when I'm working the time's moving really slow but when I'm off from work...I didn't even noticed that my rest days was over. For my two weeks vacation I didn't able to do much in the house...Well, I have done my general cleaning and was able to unpacked the four boxes that was piled up in one room by that time we moved here in our house and that was 8 months ago? Whoaaaaa...those boxes was piled up for too long and I was unpacking it a week ago? Yeah..I know I'm lazy...sometimes hehehehe!

Alright....Ms. Sleepyhead is signing off. I need to wake up early tomorrow for work. I don't want to go back to work really, but the other side of me wants to go back to work too for the reason that I need some greenie..."MONEY". I'm broke for two weeks, you know.

My New Year's Eve!!!

Today is our first New Year here in the house. We have a company last night, Jasmine my friend's daughter was with us to celebrate New Year with us. My husband cooked kimbap ( a korean sushi) and I made filipino style fruit salad, so we have something to eat when the clock hit the 12MN to welcome the year 2009.

Korean Sushi aka Kimbap made by my husband.

Fruit Salad made by yours truly...

And our company Jasmine.

I hope everyone was having a great time welcoming the New Year of the Ox. Happy New Year everyone and hope all your wishes may come true this year.

The Extra Mile....

Year 2008 is very painful year for me. There are things that I cannot forget during this year. Though there are good things that happen for me this year but still the hurt that I've been through is unforgettable. I lost my Mother this year. It was very painful for me. I lost the most important person in my life, the person whom I love the most, the person who brought me out in this world. She left me and I can't let her go. I am grieving and I know I will continue to grieve for a long long time. I have no idea that when she left me, she's going to torn my heart into pieces, I have no idea that when she left, I will lose all my faith and hope, I have no idea that she's going to left me too soon.

Year 2008 is about to end and year 2009 will take over, yet my pain in 2008 seems like I'm dragging it on to 2009 coz I still can't look forward for the new year, I still can't move on but...I will surely do my best to forget and forgive, I'll make sure that the year 2009 will not be the same as year 2008 for me. I will make sure that I'm not going through the same pain again for this coming year.

"Go for the extra mile" are you familiar with this phrase? I may not be able to move on too soon, I may not look forward for another year but I'm going to go for that extra mile in 2009.

Let's talk About My Superman

1. Pick your sweetest picture when you were still friends and post it on top of the questions and answers.
2. Another pic now that you are together post it after the questions.
3. Share to how many friends you like.
4. Enjoy doing it c:
5. Let your hubby read it too!




Taken at Vacation Hotel, Cebu, Phils.

Can you remember the day you first met your hubby?
A: Of course...how can I forget it? I was kinda tipsy when I met him for the first time. lol (paila sa pgka-palahubog sa?)

When was that? (doesn't have to be specific)

A: January 17, 2005 at the Holiday Plaza Hotel.

First impression.
A: He's cute and the first time I looked into his eyes, I knew he is someone I could trust.

Were you attracted to him?
A: Very much attracted. The first time I saw him, I wanted to marry him that's why I slept with him the first day we met.lol (Kever!!! It was my way to hold on to my man, ok?) lol

Were you friends before he became your bf?
A: We were friends for about a year. (cyber-friends).

What was the sweetest thing he did for you?
A: He's always there for me. Knowing that I have shoulder to lean on when I needed one, I have someone to talk to about my sentiments, someone I could share my secrets with, someone who will laugh at my jokes and ready to comfort me when I'm down....

What are the things about him that you are thankful for?
A: I am thankful that he always keep his promises. He never leave me when I needed him, he never give up on me even if I don't talk to him for how many days when I'm mad at him, he understand me the most, and am very much thankful for his unconditional love for me. I am thankful that I married him for he's such a great husband.


Crazy couple....this was taken last Feb. 2007 @one of the Hotels in Upstate, NY.


The Sleepyhead and the mad man. This was taken last Dec. 20, 2008 @ my in-laws house in KY.

Now, let me pass this tag to: Ummirosma, Nanay Belen, Kate, Emz, Abby, Imelda & Faye.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas Dear people
Merry Christmas to you!

Did you sang it in a "Happy Birthday" tune? lol

Gotchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa